"there i just said it, i’m scared you might forget about me."
For months now, people have been asking me questions about him. I’ve told them that I couldn’t talk about it. I didn’t want to think about it. It hurt me too much. But now, after certain amount of months, I’ve decided that the only way for me to truly move on was to finally talk about it. Maybe it isn’t to someone directly, but its to a blog I put my full trust in. Or maybe I don’t trust it. I don’t know.
I always believed myself to be right. To follow my instincts. To be the better person. Most nights, I regret my decision to let him go. Most mornings, I wonder if there will ever be a time I will stop thinking about what he’s doing, how he’s doing, who he’s doing. I wonder if he thinks the same as me - what if we didn’t break up. What if we were still together.
But, I guess I’m scared. Scared of what? The future. The future without him. For years, I’ve based my life around him and now I’m left with absolutely nothing. I’ve lost everything. My lover. My best friend. I can’t even look at my family members when they ask me about him and I wish for everything to come back.
Yet, deep down, I know it won’t. And I blame myself. Because I let us go. Even if it was his decision to take a break, I decided to make it official. Because I thought I was doing the right thing. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. I wouldn’t know until I was finally okay. I tried to think of him coming back to me. I tried to think maybe I should go back to him. I listen to all the sad songs and I know for a fact I’m scared to talk about it, about him, because I know the truth. We’re not getting back together.
I want to believe we will. I want to continue to believe he and I have a future still. Maybe we do, maybe we don’t. That’s for later on. Right now, we aren’t getting back together. And I have to continue to tell myself it’s for the best.
We just weren’t right for each other in the end. We have major flaws we both have to work on that maybe someone else can help us with. Right now, however, we’re stuck on the what ifs and maybes until time slowly lets us become friends again. And now that I’ve finally come in terms with myself, I’m going to rebuild myself. I’m going to be the woman I need to be. Not the woman who wants to make him jealous or the woman I wish I can be for him. I’m going to be the woman I was meant to be.
I won’t let him continue to rule me. I won’t let him invade my mind or mess up my future. I won’t let him be the excuse, the reason, the answer. I’m going to pull through this. I’m going to cry. I’m going to laugh. I’m going to dance and sing and get angry and I’m going to live.
By me. For me. I only wish him the best.
Adieu to you. Tomorrow’s a new day.